I do fear the unlived life. I used to say every day I couldn’t function with chronic pain… like a massively severe migraine… that day was a ‘lost day’.
And then when I began to get out of my mental funk I was like No those days are self-care days.
But add them up? And how much time is lost to non-functionality?
And now with this vertigo and dizziness which is getting worse and I can’t really do much at all. Rest 90% of the day. And not even able to write or read or distract myself because I am so very, very woozy. I just am so non-functional. And so very tired. I mean, fatigue so intense it is hard to stand let alone do something.
Well, I fear the unlived life.
Most days I try to think optimistically about potential treatment. I tell myself I have to listen to my body and my body can’t handle much at the moment. I tell myself about needing the downtime and the recovery.
But I am a little sad about it all.
All the things I cannot do. And how hard it is to do the things I do do. How exhausted I get from just the littlest thing. How I can’t think straight and do the things I would distract myself with; my writing or reading or anything that requires concentration.
So today I was pretty down because the last week has been pretty bad relative to the already sucky state I have been in. I feel like I am losing life to rest and sleep. And existence has become heavy and so tiring and so very much effort. I just want to be able to do a Little to stave off this feeling of emptiness.
And since I can’t see the neurologist till October, I have been a bit bummed about the fact I am so functionally useless. And since I don’t know what he will say or if there is anything I can do for treatment… I can’t get my hopes up about that either. But that is a long time to be like this. It has already been so long. Over two years with this now. And I keep hoping it will get better but instead it feels like it is just getting worse.
I can’t recall ever feeling just this sick. Pain is one thing. I know pain. And pain itself can kill, don’t ever think otherwise. You have to be infinitely careful with it and you need proper management of it. And, yeah, it limits a lot. But this… I feel like I am out of sink with reality. I am so spaced out and dizzy it is like my brain is shrouded in confusion. I feel really unwell. And I cannot even get through the day without sleeping through half of it.
And although I cannot do anything I am bored. I can manage to watch TV although it gets wonky with sudden camera angle changes or too much motion. But TV is boring as all hell.
So yeah the unlived life a thought that occurs to me. But I hope it is a pause. And when I get some treatment I will see enough improvement to have some sort of life like this. But I feel mopey about it at the moment. Just as long as I do not mope for too long. Then I would just annoy myself.
We all have rough moments. And a pity party is well deserved sometimes. But I always am careful over my mood and thoughts lest I rather sink into catastrophizing and depression. So I can have my pity party… and then try again tomorrow, eh?
Chronic Illness: Living in a backwards world